NEWS THE JOKES WILL BE MOVED TO A WEB SITE OF THERE OWN VERY SOON A LINK WILL BE ON THIS SITE FOR YOU
here a joke for you my birth dad sent me via e-mail
Did you hear about the man who got hit on the head by a can of cola.
He was OK because it was only a soft drink.
here a birdie joke
WHAT do you get when you put a budgie in a blender?
Shredded tweet.
cat joke by owner k.p.ducker
how did the cat go down the motorway
meow
elephant joke
im only trying to get in where its cooler
by k.p.ducker (that's my face)
a little boy joke but its true (by dave walsh)
a little boy age 6 called sam was naughty one day so his mum told him off just after
that he started crying bitterly his mum asked what is up she said i did not hit you the little boy
replied you hurt my pride
I'M TRYING TO KEEP MY CUP OF TEA HOT THAT IS MY EXCUSE AND I AM STICKING TO THAT STORY .
OR IS MY TEA LISTENING TO THE RADIO STATION
if you have a joke you would like put on here please e-mail me on kevinducker@btinternet.com
please keep it clean thanks
joke from my dad on 22/11/15
1940s: He: ‘I always kiss the stamps on your letters because I know
that your lips have touched them.’ She: ‘And to think that I dampen them on
Fido’s nose.’
1950s: ‘A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window
into a garbage can. A China-man passing remarked “Very wasteful. That woman good
for ten years yet.” ’
1960s: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ ‘Thank heavens, does it work now?’
1982: Why does a duck always look worried? He always has a bill in
front of him.
1996: What exams did Father Christmas pass at school? Ho Ho Ho
Levels.
2002: What do you call a pig with three eyes? Piiig.
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joke add on 02/02/16
more joke from my natural dad
another joke from my natural dad_______________________________________________________________________________
joke add on 02/02/16
more joke from my natural dad
HUSBAND: ‘Could my parents come down this weekend?’ Wife: ‘Why?’
Husband: ‘Because they’ve been up on the roof for five days
already.’
another joke
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘SOME cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
go.’
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHEN my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert. We start with
some new stuff, then we roll out our greatest hits.
here's another for you
EVERY morning I take my wife tea in my pyjamas. She says she’d prefer
it in a cup.
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joke add 03/02/16
a sick joke done by me kevin ducker
joke add on the 03/0316
another joke by my natural dad
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joke add 03/02/16
a sick joke done by me kevin ducker
i was in a car one day i asked the driver to stop the vehicle so he did
but i forgot we was on a motorway and a crash happen i said at least it now looks like a train
only joking
my joke are sick
_________________________________________________________________________________joke add on the 03/0316
another joke by my natural dad
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘SILENCE is not only golden, it’s also seldom misquoted.’
Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)
JOKE OF THE DAY
THIS is the third time that you’ve been late for work this week. Do
you know what this means?
Yes, it must be Wednesday.
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joke add on 05/02/16
more joke from my natural dad
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joke add on 05/02/16
more joke from my natural dad
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'THE key to healthy eating is to not eat any food that has its own TV
commercial.'
U.S. comedian Mike Birbiglia
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT’S the simplest way to work out if your hair is receding? If it
takes you longer to wash your face — it’s receding
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joke add on 06/02/16
another joke from my natural dad
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joke add on 06/02/16
another joke from my natural dad
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘THE third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the
majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the
minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking.’
A. A. Milne (1882-1956)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHEN I was a kid, my father kept snapping me with cameras. I still
have flashbacks.
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 08/02/16
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 08/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'NOTHING is ugly as long as it is alive.'
Coco Chanel (1883-1971)
JOKE OF THE DAY
I HAVE been using a brilliant new machine at the gym and it’s got
everything — Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers, Twixes..
.
Brian L.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 10/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.’
Peter Ustinov, actor (1921-2004)
JOKE OF THE DAY
DOCTOR: Hmmm! It looks like the thing stuck in your ear is a piece of
lettuce.
PATIENT: Is it serious, doctor?
DOCTOR: I’m not sure — it could be the tip of an iceberg.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 11/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘The only way to make people good, is to make them happy.’
Dinah Craik, English novelist and poet (1826-1887)
JOKE OF THE DAY
I’VE heard a rumour that Cadbury’s is going to spend millions
launching a new chocolate bar in Asia
.
But it could just be a Chinese Wispa.
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another joke from my natural dad
another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 13/02/16
‘I have the easiest job in Hollywood, because I get paid to be
me.’
Actor Christopher Walken
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
COMPILED BY JAMES BLACK
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 16/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘MONEY is like manure. If you let it pile up, it starts to stink, but
if you spread it around, then it can do a lot of good.’
Tycoon Sir Richard Branson
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT do you call a young yeti?
A not yeti!
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 17/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘YOU are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter
than you think.’
A. A. Milne (1882-1956)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHY do posh potatoes never listen to football on the radio? Because
they don’t like the sound of common taters.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 18/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘HOUSEWORK can’t kill you — but why take the chance?’
Comedian Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHY was the shopper banned from the supermarket? He knocked over a
confectionery stand and now there’s a Bounty on his head.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 20/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s
conscience.'
Harper Lee (1926-2016)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHY should you never go out with a tennis player?
Because ‘love’ is ‘nothing’ to them.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 22/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘WE DON’T have to save the world — the world is big enough to look
after itself. What we have to be concerned about is whether the world we live in
will be capable of sustaining us.’
Douglas Adams (1952-2001)
JOKE OF THE DAY
DID you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 23/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘HONESTY may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that,
by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.’
Comedian George Carlin (1937-2008)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHY do we tell actors to ‘break a leg’?
Because they all like to be in a good cast.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 24/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.'
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roaming Catholic.
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 26/02/16
another joke from my natural dad
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'MY LIFE is an open book. With illustrations.'
Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy
JOKE OF THE DAY
AN ONION just told me a joke. I don’t know whether to laugh or
cry.
_________________________________________________________________________________another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 28/02/16
‘IF SEX is such a natural phenomenon, how come there’s so many books
on how to do it?’
Actress Bette Midler
JOKE OF THE DAY
YOU’VE cancelled the wedding? I thought you said he was Mr Right?
He was Mr Right. He just forgot to tell me his first name was
‘Always’
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another joke from my natural dad
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 29/02/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'THE time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.'
Philosopher Betrand Russell (1872-1970)
JOKES OF THE DAY
WHY do hungry clocks never have the right time?
Because they keep going back four seconds.
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joke add on 09/03/16
another joke from my natural dad
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘YOU can make a throne of bayonets, but you can’t sit on it for
long.’
Boris Yeltsin, Russian statesman (1931-2007)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT’S the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are always wanted.
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joke add on 09/03/16
EIGHTY-YEAR-OLD Tom Clarke was incensed when he got a letter from the
council informing him that he could no longer keep his allotment. He immediately
phoned them and ranted for about five minutes. When he’d finished, the officer
said: ‘I am sorry, Mr Clarke, but you seem to have completely lost the
plot!’
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 28/03/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'Imagination, not intelligence, made us human.'
Terry Pratchett (1948-2015)
JOKE OF THE DAY
WHAT do you call a bear with no ear?
‘B’
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another joke from my natural dad
another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 29/03/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘EVERYONE is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses have
their bright ideas closer together.’
Georg Lichtenberg, scientist (1742-1799)
JOKE OF THE DAY
AS I stood in the park I wondered why the frisby was getting bigger
and bigger ... then it hit me.
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another joke from my natural dad
another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 08/04/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
'WHY does a woman work for ten years to change a man’s habits and
then complain he is not the man she
married?'
BARBRA STREISAND
JOKE OF THE DAY
FIGHT fire with fire is my motto — which is probably why the fire
brigade sacked me.
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 08/04/16
another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 28/04/16
joke by my landlord on the 21/10/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘NO MAN ought to be condemned to live where a rose cannot grow.’
George Cadbury, businessman and social reformer (1839-1922)
JOKE OF THE DAY
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep wanting to sing Delilah.
Doctor: I think you may have caught Tom Jones Disease.
Patient: Is it normal?
Doctor: It’s not unusual.
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another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 20/04/16
another joke from my natural dad
joke add on 20/04/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that
something else is more important than fear.’
James Neil Hollingworth (1933-1996)
JOKE OF THE DAY
DID you hear that all the loos have been stolen from Scotland Yard?
Detectives investigating say they’ve nothing to go on.
THE only thing that never changes is change — because it is always
changing.
■ THE difference between a realist and a defeatist is that a realist
accepts defeat while a defeatist expects it.
Jokes
A CIRCUS performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
‘What are those for?’ she asked, suspiciously. ‘I’m a juggler,’ the man replied.
‘I use those in my act.’ ‘Well, show me,’ the officer demanded. So he got out
the machetes and started juggling them, putting on a dazzling show and amazing
the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double-take and said: ‘My
God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the roadside drink-driving
test.’
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joke by site owner k.p.ducker
date 20/04/16
here my joke of the day
IF a police officer arrested you he reads out your right's then ask you to accompany him to the police station
him or her reply why do you not know the way officer
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A JOKE BY K.P.DUCKER
date 20/04/16
here my joke of the day
IF a police officer arrested you he reads out your right's then ask you to accompany him to the police station
him or her reply why do you not know the way officer
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DATE 27/04/16
A PERSON GETS ON THE BUS AND ASK THE DRIVER DO YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL
YOU REPLY GET WELL SOON THEN
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DATE 27/04/16
A SICK JOKE BY K.P.DUCKER (SOME MEMBERS OF THE PUBLIC MAY FIND THIS JOKE
OFFENSIVE NOT MENT TO BE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM)
YOU GET ON A BUS AND ASK FOR THE CEMETERY JUNCTION (HERE IN BOURNEMOUTH DORSET)
THE DRIVER REPLIED IN SIDE OR OUT
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joke add on 28/04/16
QUOTE FOR TODAY
‘I HAVE never let my schooling get in the way of my education.’
Author Mark Twain (1835-1910)
JOKE OF THE DAY
I SAID: ‘How long will the spaghetti be?’
The waiter said: ‘I don’t know, we don’t measure it.’
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joke by my landlord on the 21/10/16
WHY DO TRAFFIC WARDEN HAVE THE YELLOW BAND ROUND THERE CAP
ANSWER TO STOP THE PUBLIC FROM PARKING THERE
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if i get any more joke i will put them on here
